


Saguaro Blues

by Glendaa



Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017), Call Me By Your Name (2017) RPF, Call Me By Your Name - All Media Types, Call Me by Your Name - André Aciman
Genre: Armie Hammer being an idiot, Armie season of dating, Cactus POV, Desert, Elizabeth is the best friend Armie might want, Happy Ending, M/M, Timmy and Armie can make it, Yes I said cactus, after the separation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-07 06:42:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26348773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Glendaa/pseuds/Glendaa
Summary: What the heck is Armie Hammer doing in the Arizona desert?! Why is he dating all over the place? A mysterious observer dishes on the whole shenanigan!
Relationships: Past Armie Hammer/Elizabeth Chambers, Timothée Chalamet/Armie Hammer
Comments: 31
Kudos: 70





	Saguaro Blues

**Author's Note:**

> "An adult saguaro is generally considered to be about 125 years of age. The average life span of a saguaro is probably 150 - 175 years of age. However, biologists believe that some plants may live over 200 years."  
> \- (Source: www.nps.gov/sagu/learn/nature/how-saguaros-grow.htm)

_Maybe he and I are like a pair of suns_   
_That are captured_   
_Eternally linked into chasing_   
_Each other's spin_

  
_Cactus Practice - Tori Amos_

  
  
Cacti live for a long time.  
That’s why we know shit.  
  
Be around long enough and you’ll see life repeating itself over and over again. It’s no rocket science. (I know, cause I saw rockets leave Earth myself. No big deal. Unlike the first train puffing black smoke in the light-blue sky, THAT was something. But I was young back then. And impressionable.)  
  
Now I’m slightly more cynical. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have fun observing human shenanigans. Especially of the passionate kind.

_____________

  
n. 1 Barbie Girl

  
  
The tiny dog - resembles more a piece of sausage than the proud coyote she supposedly descends from - is yip yapping all over the place. Peeing on cacti (gee, thanks!) and barking at the slightly bigger, and way curlier, dog. (Who watches her with a mixture of pity and condescension.)

Her blonde owner - oh, dogs and humans do match each other! - is blabbering about selfies and promotion and followers while pursing her lips. She probably thinks she’s sexy like that.

The man with her is not amused. Has the typical expression of someone who’s made a terrible mistake and doesn’t know how to extricate himself from the mess.  
  
Fingers entwined, long legs on the warm desert earth... she’s trying for artsy fartsy shots, looking at weird angles to captivate her followers. Whatever that means. (If she tries to put a bandanna on me, I’ll prick her, just saying.)  
  
He sighs.  
  
I wonder what ‘hunky cowboy’ was thinking, bringing her here. He usually comes alone with Archie (I heard him call the mutt, you know?) and sits in silence. A sad, meditative gaze on his handsome face. As if he contemplates the solution to an important riddle.  
  
And now this... floozy. If I had one, I’d shake my head.  
  
“We have to find a pool of water!”, she says.  
He rolls his eyes. “In the desert?!”

“We should do that thing... feet touching in the water... like that old Italian movie you did”.  
I don’t know what that it’s all about, but she shouldn’t have said those words.

'Cause he flinches and his gaze is stone cold when he tells her, “A car will take you back. We are done”.  
Her tantrum doesn’t change shit.

  
  
n. 2 Dark hair

  
This other girl is cuter. Her dog also is. Dolores and Archie run in wide circles around their owners.  
  
The humans chat amiably about their future public appearance (to 'cleanse the palate', they air-quote laughing).  
“I made a mess, I know, thanks for helping me out”.  
“Don’t worry Armie. A donation to the LGBT center in Los Angeles will suffice”, she winks at him. “Seriously, though, how are you?”  
“I don’t know. Aside from refinishing floors and jogging, I’m feeling... I dunno, I need to find a way to ground myself. But it’s hard”.  
She nods.

They go back to planning the show - Armie cozying up to Rumer. The two walking arm in arm after breakfast together at the Dialog Cafe in West Hollywood, California. Their publicists have already alerted the paparazzi.  
It will be easy, comfortable.

They share a couple beers and leave the desert.

  
  
Interlude - Wifey

  
  
“Oh, for fuck’s sake”, he groans looking at his phone.

He FaceTimes her immediately and whimpers a, “Why, just tell me why!!!”  
The laugh at the other end is silvery smooth.  
“I was sure that photo would pique your interest”, she giggles. “The lip balm is a bit darker but... I think I channeled Timmy’s profile pic quite well, don’t you think?”  
“But... why?”, he rubs his face.

She sighs and her tone is strict when she talks.  
“Armie, let’s revisit the whole plan, ok?”  
He nods.

“Why are we getting a divorce?”, she asks.  
“Cause I’m in love with Timmy”. His voice is soft as butter when he answers, blushing at his own words.  
“And why is it not acceptable that we continue being married?"  
"Cause you don’t have a chance for a full love life of your own".

"Damn right. And why are we supposedly fighting for our children's custody?"  
"Cause if my mother knew we are fine with our arrangement, and you've been seeing someone (especially a woman, he thinks), she’d probably try to take our kids from us on the basis of immorality or some shit".  
They both shudder at the idea.

"And if 45 wins again, since mommy dearest has important friends in that arena..."  
"Exorcism won’t be the worst she’ll try".  
Elizabeth makes a gagging sound. 

"Ok, let's refocus! I’m not going through this shit while you are still not talking to Timmy! And apparently shagging everything that moves! The fuck are you doing?"

"I just wanted to make him jealous but I made a mess, then everyone came at my throat, so with Rumer..."

"You know you look like a slut, right?", she hisses. "Get a grip and find a way back to your boy".

"I don't know how".

"Beg, Armand. Beg like your life depends on it. Cause, as a matter of fact, it does!"

She hangs up and I know that a. Wifey (that’s the name he has for her on the phone) is right and b. Blond cowboy is a fool. Whomever this Timmy is, I bet he’s special if he left this amazing woman for him. I hope this means the parade of girls has stopped.

n. 3 Dark hair_2

Ok, at this point I don’t know what the heck this dude is doing.

The new woman is sobbing in anger at her ex who apparently cheated on her during a pandemic.  
He tries to console her and mutters stuff about how hard a divorce is when his phone rings.

"Man, seriously? Three different women? In less than a month? WTF?"  
"Oh, here you are! Fucking finally! Are you now interested in my love life?!"  
"You're behaving like an asshole!"  
"Well, you sure didn't seem to mind the tongue-wrestling in Mexico!"  
"You know it's all PR bullshit! Vespa Barbie wasn't, though! No publicist would have chosen-"  
"Don't you dare play the blushing bride with me!"  
"Fuck you!"  
"Yeah, you wish"

"I can't believe this is happening". Both men startle at the high-pitched female voice.  
"Shit, I totally forgot you were here, Jessica!"  
The brunette slaps his face and stomps away muttering, "Men are pigs" under her breath.

Armie wows to send her a big bouquet of flowers with a contrite note. It was only their second date, though, not like they are a couple or something, although his publicists think that would be a good idea.

He turns back to look at Timmy. He's beautiful as usual, and anger suits him. His eyes are almost iridescent and he feels the pull at miles of distance.  
"I miss you".  
Timmy lowers his eyes, bites at his lip, sighs. "I miss you too", he admits.

From my vantage point, I see the soft smiles they share with each other. If I had lips, I would smile as well.

1 year later

"I can't believe I let you convince me to come here".  
"The desert is amazing this time of the year".

Timmy elbows him in the ribs. "No everchanging parade of female beauties. Never again!"  
"Never!"  
"I wish we could just come out as a couple and not have to fake-date girls".  
Armie kisses his forehead. "Soon, I hope".  
"Selfie?"

They pose with their backs to the old saguaro cactus and grin like idiots. They finally found each other again. Won't waste this chance. Not this time.  
"Ouch, this thing pricked me!"  
Armie laughs. "It's not like it has arms, Tim. Just stay away from the trunk".

The boy looks at me suspiciously, rubbing his neck.

I'm sorry. Sorta.

I only wished to caress his curls.


End file.
